Friday, March 6, 2009

Not ANOTHER one!

My friend Little (Morgan) is going through one of those times when everyone around her is pregnant (not me, though!), and it is causing her to get the Baby Bug like no one would believe. Earlier this week, she sent me an email about another friend who just found out she is pregnant, and said, "I swear, if one more person gets pregnant, I am going to SCREAM." I wanted to help her think positively about not being knocked up (which is so hard... babies are precious!), so I came up with a list of reasons for her to NOT get pregnant (and advised her to print it out and keep it on her at all times, for stressful moments like the one above!):
  • Gas, diarrhea, nauseousness, constipation... and that's without you being pregnant! Imagine those symptoms intensified 100 times and add hemorrhoids to the mix.
  • Byebye body... you will never look presentable in a bathing suit again, unless you strike it rich and hire J. Lo's trainer. You are totally fit and fab (don't you argue with me) in your early 20s, and there is no reason to toss that beach bod down the toilet.
  • Everybody's doing it, which means you won't get all of the excitement and attention! Wait until everyone births their babies and those suckers hit the terrible twos, then everybody will be excited to see a newborn sweetheart!
  • Everybody's doing it, which means if you do it, you'll be conforming! Come on, now... leave the peer pressure to the school kids.
  • Money doesn't grow on trees, and babies can't be born all-expenses paid. Vacation? Forget about it. A night out on the town? Nope, spent that on diapers. "Oh, hey here's an extra $100! I can spend it on... baby food, baby doctor bills, diapers, baby clothes, baby educational toys, baby daycare since I have to work to buy diapers! Crap, now I'm in debt again!" Nope, not until Larry is making the big bucks. Think of all current money arguments... those will at least triple, and may cause stress hemorrhoids. Nope- those don't go away right when the baby is born!
  • You might as well skip going to El Sombrero (our fave Mexican restaurant) for 9 months plus however long you breastfeed... it's not worth it without Woo-Woos.
  • Are you prepared to be Larry's designated driver for 9+ months?
  • Is Larry ready for a baby? Seriously, one spouse not being ready could ruin the rest of your lives. I can see it now, "The baby's crying, honey." "Dammit, woman! I'm playing Halo!" Hahaha... that would totally be Andrew if we weren't on the 5-year/maybe-before-we're-30 plan.
  • Did I mention gas, diarrhea, nauseousness, constipation and... hemorrhoids?!?!?!
  • Sure, babies are all fun and games when they are in a good mood, but what you don't hear about is the other 95% of the time when they are fussy, crying, cholic, pooping, barfing and SCREAMING. Usually between the hours of 10pm and 5am, or any other time you are trying to sleep.
  • Don't you love taking naps? And sleeping through the night? Sleeping through the night ends as soon you get pregnant, unless you sleep in diapers. And it lasts through the first year or so of baby's life (see above bullet point).
  • Lack of sleep causes erratic behavior... I would hate to see you try to talk to your neighbors before you realize your pants did not make it on before you walked out the door.
  • One word: Ramsey (their only child... I mean, pup). I don't think he'll be able to share the attention until he is a little older. Or else you'll have to put him in diapers, too, to save what is left of your sanity and your floors.
  • If you wait a couple of years, the economy will be better and you'll get better gifts at your baby shower!
  • I've never known you to back off of a plan... if you get knocked up, you'll have completely messed up your 5-year plan. And that 5-year plan will be so disappointed in you!
  • And last, but not least, think of your poor, lonely, NOT pregnant friend who is taking the time to write this perfectly appropriate and true anti-pregnancy list...

So, Little, I hope it keeps you on track! But if you "fall off the wagon," I'm not going to lie, I'll be SO EXCITED! :)

1 comment:

  1. oh, no! there have been so many baby stories coming home with me from work and unloading on carlton that he's becoming paranoid that i have this i-need-a-baby-now disease... AND I ABSOLUTELY DON'T!!!

    poor, poor little morgan. although, she seems like the type who would regain her figure quite quickly, the list of body functions is just... yuk. be sure to keep listing that off to her over and over again! plus, it's always just as important - if not MORE important - that larry is ready, because he's gonna be the big time working man from then on out, if she works or not he'll be the daddy.